


how it feels to fall out of love

by reiiixc



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, F/F, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Original Character(s), Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide Attempt, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:20:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22100938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reiiixc/pseuds/reiiixc
Summary: TW: breakups, mental illness, hospitals, self harm, suicide attempt
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

When I was younger, my parents always told me that love at first sight wasn’t real.  
I never believed them.  
Maybe that’s why I took it too fast in my first relationship, went too slow in my next, and maybe that’s why this time I thought things would be different.  
I thought maybe it would work out.  
I thought wrong.  
I was walking through the school halls, trying to avoid getting trampled by the brainless underclassmen who think it’s funny to chase each other around like they’re five years old. School had started a few weeks ago, but I was still getting accustomed to my new schedule, including where to meet my friends at our breaks.  
“Hey,” I said with a smile, approaching them. My friend Vesper glanced my way, but didn’t say anything, turning her head back to her phone.  
“Hey,” Adreanne replied. She smiled back, cheeks tinted pink. A wave of adrenaline spread through my body, making me shiver.  
Adreanne was a smart girl, the type of smart that didn't earn all A’s, but mostly B’s. Her handwriting was a mix of print and cursive, almost exactly reflecting her personality.  
She was a tough girl, both physically and emotionally. The shadows of her arm muscles appeared whenever she lifted her heavy backpack to her shoulder, and her legs were round but toned, calves flexing with each step she took. She had survived her parent’s divorce, and multiple friends that had come and passed without so much as an insincere “sorry.”  
She was a sensitive girl who cried both from happiness and despair. She was easily embarrassed, but always spoke her truth.  
She was everything I wished to be.  
The first time I saw Adreanne, it was summer, and there were two weeks before school started. She had transferred to our school district from a different one, reason being her parent’s separation.  
I was shocked at how someone as pretty as her not just existed, but went to our school. Ves met her at her work, and introduced me to her. I found myself not knowing what to say, wanting to make a good first impression. Instead, I waved, and she smiled and waved back. The way her lips parted and exposed her perfectly aligned teeth made me jealous, and I knew if I stared into her chocolate brown eyes I could get lost for hours. Her brown hair was curled and pulled back into a tight ponytail, a few strands pulled down to shape her face. A loose, baggy, white tank top hung from her tan shoulders and was tucked into her black denim shorts.  
Adreanne and Ves always walked side by side, leaving me to be the third wheel. As the days continued, Adreanne and I grew closer, spending more time alone than with Vesper. She didn’t seem to mind, but when we were with her I occasionally caught her shooting glaring, jealous eyes our way.  
Now, Adreanne and I walked side by side, behind Ves. We were all walking in silence, Adreanne and me trying to find a conversation starter, Ves typing away on her phone. It astonished me how someone could navigate the school halls yet still have their eyes glued to the little device in front of them.  
Ves had been my friend since sixth grade, when we were paired up as running buddies in PE. Since then, she’s been my best friend. We used to do everything together, especially during the summer when there was no school, but this summer was different. For example, when I asked her to hang out at the mall one day, she responded with, “Can’t, sorry. Got a booty call later this afternoon ;).” She made new friends and never asked if I wanted to join them. Not on Fourth of July, not on the weekends, not whenever she was with them. It worsened when Ves joined the cheer team. She made even more friends and by the time school rolled around, she was partying with them after every Friday football game.  
Needless to say, I felt left out. I spent my summer nights crying alone in my room, thinking that I wasn’t worthy of anything, silently pleading to anyone and everyone that someone would come and take me out of the house and take me away from the silence. The only person who noticed was Adreanne. She came to me, comforted me, and made sure I was okay. I started spending more time with her than with Ves, but I didn’t mind. If Ves did, she didn’t show it.  
As soon as we found somewhere to sit in center court, Ves intentionally let her phone drop to her lap and ran her hands through her bleached blonde hair. She said to us, dragging out each word, “Guyyys, he’s so cuuute.”  
‘Who?” I asked, confused.  
“Remember that guy I told you about that I met at that party last weekend? I’ve been talking to him nonstop and I just can’t get over how adorable he is,” she explained, voice turning whiny towards the end of her sentence.  
“And… by talking to him you mean nothing but flirting and sending pictures of yourselves half naked, right?” Adreanne asked in a mocking tone, one eyebrow raised. Ves playfully hit her on the arm and picked up her phone, opening a new Snapchat from mystery boy. I laughed and shook my head.  
“What’s his name?” I asked with timid curiosity, only half wanting to know the answer.  
“Denver,” she said dreamily.  
Adreanne’s eyes went wide in dramaticized shock. “Ooh,” she exclaimed, “does he live in Colorado?” I laughed harder and watched as Ves rolled her eyes and blushed, swatting Adreanne away. A smirk on her face that showed that she knew she had “won.”  
“I’m just saying, if a guy’s name is Denver, he ought to live in or at least have been to Colorado,” she said as-a-matter-of-factly.  
I laughed again because I didn’t know how to add on to this conversation, this time it sounding more forceful than genuine, but none of them seemed to notice. The two kept bantering back and forth about this Denver dude, unintentionally ignoring me. I wanted to join in, but I would probably say the wrong thing and ruin the mood. The bell rang and I turned to walk towards my next class without saying bye, but Adreanne grabbed hold of the sleeve of my gray zip-up hoodie, concealing underneath a navy blue V-neck T-shirt.  
“Hey, wait, before you go, I wanted to ask you: are you going to the football game tomorrow?” she asked me, smile big on her face. I wanted to savor this moment where she was talking to me, acknowledging me, letting me know I exist.  
“Uhh… yeah, I’ll try,” I replied. The idea of going to a highschool football game with my friends, especially as a senior, sounded really nice, but I knew once I was there I would feel like dying. If Adreanne wanted to go with me, however, then it was a different story. It was almost like I had to go. She made everything fun, and if being there was going to be fun, I didn’t want to miss out.

Come tomorrow, I showed up to school in my nearly-everyday outfit: T-shirt hidden by my gray hoodie, jeans to un-expose my slender legs, and black Converse hightops. I walked through the student parking lot and felt the stares of everyone I passed. I knew they weren’t really there, but the mere thought of people staring at me was enough to make my heart race.  
I stopped at the spot where I met Ves in the morning, and texted her, asking her where she was. Adreanne had to get help from a teacher in the morning, so I would see her at our first break. When Ves wouldn’t respond, I frustratedly checked her Snapchat to see if she had posted anything since last night, and I wasn’t all that surprised to see that she had posted a selfie with her and her other friends two minutes ago on what looked like the other side of campus. When I confronted her about this the first few times it happened, all she said was, “They aren’t friends, they’re just people I know. You’ll always be my best friend.”  
I wanted to believe that, but in past years, last year especially, it seemed like she wanted more to do with people she barely knew and less to do with her “best friend.”  
Shoving my phone in my pocket, I speed-walked to my first period and tried to open the door, but it was locked. I hoped that no one was staring at me, thinking about how much I looked like an idiot. I took a seat in the hall, back against the wall, and sighed, burying my head in my hands. I wasn’t even upset, crying over this wasn’t worth it and I knew it. I was more upset at the fact that she couldn’t just tell me if she didn’t want to be around me. The bell finally rang, and I entered the room and took my seat.  
The day went on, and I sat through class after class, honestly looking forward to the football game with Adreanne. At break, we discussed what we were doing after school before the game, and we decided to spend the afternoon at her house.  
“Do you want anything to drink?” Adreanne asked me as I took a seat on her messy bed, my bum sinking into the mattress. She told me before that didn’t believe in making her bed, and I could tell. Ves wasn’t with us because she had to meet with her cheer team to rehearse their halftime dance and make final adjustments. I was secretly thankful that it was only the two of us.  
“I’m alright, thank you,” I replied with a smile. She smiled back and picked up my backpack from beside her bed on the floor and set it on the chair in front of her desk.  
“Jesus,” she exclaimed in shock, “your backpack is so heavy, what the hell?”  
“It’s not even that bad, what do you mean?”  
“Do you carry your textbooks with you?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Then it’s heavy,” she laughed.  
Adreanne took a seat on her bed next to me. we sat in silence for a little while, each of us not knowing what to say. My hands would not stop fidgeting, and my heart would not slow. I felt my face getting warmer, and I prayed that my cheeks weren’t getting red. I looked at her, then looked away. I studied her room for the millionth time, her pastel purple walls making me feel some sense of calm. Her half-oval window provided us with a vast view of trees, as her house was on a steep hill. She had told me once that each night during the summer she was welcomed home from working at the nearby gymnasium with pink clouds and purple skies outside that window.  
I could feel her gaze shift towards me, and the force of her eyes on the side of my head made my eyes meet hers. I took in her expression, her eyes making me want to melt, her nose, cute and upturned, and her full lips, parted ever so slightly. All I wanted to do in that moment was kiss those lips, but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted to say something romantic, something that would further this connection we had, but I couldn’t think of anything, so I turned my head away. I stared at my fidgeting hands resting on my black leggings and crossed my ankles, hoping that I hadn’t ruined whatever moment we just had.  
“Ry,” she suddenly said, startling me.  
“Yeah?” I said quickly, not wanting her to think something was wrong.  
“Are you okay?” she asked gently.  
“Yeah, yeah I’m alright,” I said with a half smile.  
“Bullshit, I can see your eyes watering. What’s wrong?” she asked again, voice barely above a whisper.  
I paused a moment, searching for something to say. I hadn’t even noticed tears forming in my eyes. I didn’t know why they were there. “Nothing’s wrong, don’t worry. I think I was staring at you for too long,” I said, halfheartedly trying to flirt.  
“Oh, okay, gotcha,” she said, playing along. We both laughed nervously over how stupid we were being. I could tell Adreanne was still worried, but she dropped it for now.  
I excused myself to the bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror. A feeling of uneasiness washed over me as I tied my long, thick black hair into a loose, sloppy ponytail. I sighed and caught myself wondering how I even had friends in the first place. I didn’t consider myself pretty, and I definitely didn’t think my personality was anything special. I had ruined too many friendships in the past, and I didn’t want to ruin this one.  
Especially not this one.  
I stepped out of the bathroom and walked back to Adreanne’s room. I opened the door and found her lying on her bed, hands resting on top of her stomach, eyes open and staring at the ceiling.  
“Hey,” I said softly, closing the door quietly behind me.  
Adreanne lifted her head to look at me, and then patted the empty space on the bed next to her. “Come here,” she beckoned.  
I walked towards the bed and laid down next to her. She sighed and turned her head towards me. She opened her mouth to speak, but closed it. I turned towards her, intrigued and wanting to know what she was going to say. It wasn’t often that Adreanne was speechless.  
“You ever… really like someone but you can’t tell them because if the feeling isn’t reciprocated it’ll ruin your relationship with them?” she finally said.  
Stunned, I laid still, afraid that if I moved it might cause her to think that I didn’t care. Adreanne rarely ever developed crushes on people, but when she did she crushed hard. Slowly, I got up onto my elbow, and said, “Yeah, I know what that’s like.” I mentally pushed away my wish that she was talking about me.  
“Sucks,” she said sadly. I was about to add onto my response when she abruptly said, “Anyway, what’s up with Ves recently? You’ve known her longer than me, has she always been like this? Boy-crazy, mildly narcissistic, and just plain annoying?”  
Stunned again, I slowly replied with, “You notice it too? She wasn’t always like this. She used to be a really good friend. Just recently it seems like she’s always coming to us with her problems and completely disregarding our needs. It’s like she forgets that we’re human too.”  
Adreanne nodded. “I feel like she hates me,” she added, “I mean, I’m always the one making these snarky remarks whenever she says anything.”  
“I don’t think she thinks anything of it, or, at least I hope she doesn’t. I think she would say something if she didn’t like it,” I said while shaking my head. I thought a bit, then added, “It’s actually really funny and smart.”  
She stopped playing with the creases in her bed sheets and looked up at me. “Really?” she asked.  
“Yeah, dude. You’re really funny,” I said, hoping she’d take the complement.  
She grinned at me and turned back towards the ceiling, visibly relaxing a bit. We laid there until we had to leave, mostly in silence, but we had moments of conversation about nothing in particular, just thoughts that sprung into our heads. The awkward silence when I was with Adreanne wasn’t awkward. It felt comfortable. It was the only silence I felt like I could manage. The world suddenly wasn’t so scary, and life had meaning. With her, I felt safe.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking up towards the field, I zipped up my hoodie, threw on my hood, and shoved my hands in my pockets, nervous for all the people that were going to be there. I looked left towards Adreanne, looking beautiful as ever, and my gaze shifted down towards my feet. I caught a glimpse of her lonely hand before she slipped it inside her hoodie pocket, and I caught myself wishing I could be the person holding that hand. Whoever she was talking about when she said she didn’t want to mess things up by telling them she liked them, they were lucky. I wished the best for them, and that if Adreanne and them ended up together, they were happy.  
I desperately wanted the person she was talking about to be me, but I knew that wasn’t possible. Still, a little part of me held onto that hope. I hated that I did, but I couldn’t help it.  
We approached the back of the line to get into the field, and I fished my wallet from my back pocket in my jeans and got out my student ID, scanned it, and waited for Adreanne to do the same. We walked side by side on the track, heading towards Ves and the cheer team to say hi.  
“Hey,” I said as we approached Ves, her short, black pleated cheer skirt barely covering her spandex shorts, and her black top shell lined with blue and pink stripes coming together to form a V.  
“How’s the routine looking?” Adreanne asked.  
“It’s pretty alright, I think we’ll hit,” she said excitedly.  
“That’s good,” I said.  
“Hey, what’re you doing tomorrow?” I asked after a moment. I wanted to do something so I wasn’t alone at home, doing nothing. I needed to be around someone on the weekends, or the silence would become too loud.  
Ves looked around, obviously distracted, and took out her phone. “I’m… uh…” she said slowly while typing out a message to whomever. “Hey, I gotta go. I’ll text you later, okay? Thanks for coming to the game,” she suddenly said with a fake smile that I knew all too well.  
Adreanne and I walked to the concessions stand, and when we got there, she said, “I can’t believe you’ve put up with this shit for six years,” while shaking her head.  
“Well, like I said, she hasn’t been this way forever. Something’s changed, but I don’t want to be the one to confront her about it. I’m not mentally stable enough to deal with her defensiveness,” I said, smiling weakly, trying to cover up my raw emotions with casualness. I looked down at my shoes to avoid her eyes, but I couldn’t do it for long. I looked back up and darted my eyes to look at anything but her face.  
Adreanne smiled a knowing smile back. “You’re not weak, Ry. In fact, I think you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known.”  
I paused a moment. “I really, really want to believe that,” I said, looking back down, “I don’t know why I can’t.”  
“Because you’re you, and you don’t like you. Your mind is filled with all these misconceptions about you. To believe something like that, you need to step outside of yourself and see things the way other people see you, how I see you,” she explained softly.  
I forced myself to look up into her eyes, and I wanted to kiss her, right then and there. Instead, I stepped towards her, arms outstretched and asking for a hug. She smiled and took me in. Although she was taller than me, I could still rest my chin over her shoulder. I closed my eyes and savored her touch, her warmth, the way her arms wrapped around me and squeezed. Tightly, but not loose. She didn’t give those half hugs with one arm, or the half hugs where they ram their shoulder into your chest by turning sideways. Adreanne gave real hugs. The type of hugs that make you want to stay in their arms forever. When we finally let go, my face was hot. Her cheeks were slightly pink, and I hoped my cheeks weren’t bright red.  
After paying for two small packets of candy, we headed back to the bleachers and tried to find an open spot where we could sit. We walked past the student section, filled with crazy teenagers who cared more about being loud than the actual game, and found a spot towards the middle top of the bleachers. We sat and watched more of Ves cheering than the game itself. Adreanne’s friends found us, and screamed with us. We yelled Ves’ name every time she finished a cheer, and I could tell we were getting looks from the people--especially parents--around us. It’s what we get for not sitting in the student section. As soon as I was aware of the looks we were getting, I became self-conscious about everything I was doing. I wondered if the way I laughed was too annoying, or whether what I was saying came off as immature and “not my age.” Slowly, I became less and less energetic and sat down, leaving Adreanne and her friends to scream at Ves on their own.  
It didn’t take long for her to notice I wasn’t acting crazy anymore, and she sat down next to me and asked, “Came down from the sugar high?”  
I smiled a genuine smile and casually said, “Nah, just tired.”  
Adreanne pulled out her phone to answer a text that just came in. I checked my phone, and wasn’t surprised to see notifications from absolutely nobody. I shoved my phone back in my pocket and sighed inconspicuously.  
Adreanne somehow heard and asked without looking up from her phone, “You okay?”  
“Yeah, just… tired,” I replied, “this game kinda sucks.” We were losing by 13 and it was only the second quarter. We hadn’t even watched Ves perform yet.  
“Do you wanna leave after halftime?” Adreanne asked, looking up. I nodded.  
When halftime arrived, the cheer team ran on field and took their places, ready for their routine. We watched Ves perform and cheered her on. I recorded her, knowing that she might want to see how she did later on. After halftime, Ves had the third quarter off. We waited for her to finish talking with her team and come to us.  
“Hey, Ves!” Adreanne shouted over everyone.  
The corners of Ves’ mouth were turned down, and her brows furrowed. I wasn’t sure, but her eyes looked more glassy than usual.  
Adreanne’s friends all stopped doing what we were doing and turned our heads toward her. “What’s wrong?”  
“We didn’t hit,” Ves said disappointedly.  
“It’s okay, I think you guys looked awesome,” I said, trying to comfort her.  
“You guys looked really good,” one of Adreanne’s friends said.  
“Ehh…” Ves said with sourness in her voice, “not really.”  
“I recorded your performance, if you wanna see,” I offered quietly.  
“Delete it,” Ves insisted.  
Her words speared my heart. I looked away. I didn’t know what else to say, but everyone else kept trying to convince her that her performance wasn’t bad.  
She furrowed her brows even more and crossed her arms. “I thought you guys said you weren’t doing anything after school,” she said to Adreanne’s friends.  
They looked at each other, then one said, “We decided to come to watch you.”  
“Mhmm, yeah, okay,” Ves snarkily replied. She let out a dramatic sigh and everyone was quiet. Eventually, she looked at the clock and said, “Two minutes till fourth. I gotta go,” and stood up and left without another word. We all watched in silence as she strutted off back to her team.  
“What’s her problem?” one of Adreanne’s friends asked quietly.  
Adreanne suddenly stood up and said, “Well, that was fun, I’m gonna go now. Game sucks.” She calmly walked down the bleacher stairs and out towards the entrance of the field.  
I stood up and rushed after her. When I caught up, I asked, “Are you alright?”  
“I just can’t see why she feels the need to be so annoying. Can’t she just stop being so arrogant and conceited? My friends literally said they came to see her, and yet she still gets mad because they told her they didn’t want to go to the game,” she complained, tone harsh, obviously annoyed.  
“I mean… her views are obviously a lot different than ours, and we can’t really change that,” I said hesitantly.  
“Well, yeah, but just… why does she have to…” she tried to explain, “nevermind.”  
“Be so stubborn?” I asked, finding the word she was looking for.  
“Yes!” she shouted.  
I laughed. “Yeah, that’s just the way she is. With everything.”  
We slowed our pace, and she sighed, then looked at me, smiling. “You have a way of making me feel better immediately, no matter what’s happened.”  
“I’m… glad?” I blushed.  
She laughed, and it made me want to scream. Her laugh was my everything. I could listen to it for days on end.  
We sauntered towards the bus stop and took a seat on the bench. We were quiet, each of us not knowing what to say. The sound of cars driving by on the road in front of us filled the night air. I hated the circumstance and I wished that Adreanne hadn’t stormed off after what happened with Ves, but I loved that we were alone again. Instead of the silence seeming like an endless void, this silence encompassed us, making it feel like we were the only people in the world. Heart beating fast, I reached up and wrapped my arm around her back, grabbing hold of her opposite arm, and gently pulled her in. She scooted closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder.  
“Can I… tell you something?” I asked, my voice quiet.  
“Yeah, of course,” she softly said.  
I paused for a moment and thought, Am I really going to do this? The thought of telling Adreanne what I’ve wanted to tell her for so long was enough to make tears form in my eyes, and it took everything in my power to not let them escape. What if she rejects me? I don’t even know if she’s into girls. The last time we got to talk about sexuality, she told me she was still questioning.  
“Are you okay?” she asked.  
I couldn’t answer her. One tear rolled down my cheek, and my hand, covered by the sleeve of my hoodie, shot up to wipe it away. I tried to disguise it as me just rubbing my eyes.  
She struggled to look up at me from her position, and I could tell she knew that something was up. “What’s wrong?” she asked.  
I took a shaky breath in and slowly let it out. “You know what you said earlier?” I couldn’t seem to get the rest of my words out.  
“What did I say earlier?” she asked curiously, gently.  
“About how… you’re afraid to mess up your relationship with a person by telling them you like them?” I said, voice shaky. There was nothing I could do now to stop the tears from streaming down my face.  
Adreanne sat up and cupped the side of my face with her hand and used her thumb to wipe my cheek, then held my hand, playing with the joints in my fingers. “Yeah, I know,” she said, encouraging me to speak on.  
“I’m the same way and I don’t know why but I feel the need to tell them so I can get closure and confirm that they don’t like me, and even if they did, they shouldn’t because how could anybody fall in love with someone like me? I mean, I’m nothing special I’m just--” I rambled.  
“Shh,” Adreanne stopped me, “I know, it’s scary. But if you really want to tell them, even if it’s just to get closure, then you should tell them. You never know what could happen.”  
I nodded and took deep breaths, trying to calm my rapidly beating heart and cease my shaky breathing. This was it. If I told her, there was no taking it back. “It’s you,” I quickly said before I could think more about it, “I really, really like you but I didn’t want to tell you because, well, we met this past summer, and I know you probably don’t like me back and that’s okay, I just didn’t want…”  
She was silent, taking in what I had just said. She stared at our hands that had become folded in on each other, eyes unfocused, glassy. I was worried that this was the end of our friendship.  
“To mess things up,” she completed my sentence for me.  
I braced myself for rejection.  
“You know, ever since we met, I’ve felt like we’ve had this… connection. I don’t know what it is, and I can’t describe it,” she said, tears starting to roll down her cheeks.  
I looked up, not expecting that to be her answer.  
“I really like you too, Ry,” she said, still crying, “I was so afraid you didn’t feel the same, I was so afraid to tell you out of fear that you’d never want to talk to me again.”  
I laughed. “I’m surprised you do,” I said, only to quickly realize my words could be taken in different ways. “Like me, I mean,” I added with a half smile.  
She wiped her cheeks with her hands. “How could I not? You’re literally the nicest person I’ve ever met, you care about everything so deeply, which I know can be a blessing and a curse, yet you handle it so well. You’re thoughtful and intriguing and mysterious, but in a way that makes people want to figure you out, not be scared of you. You’re you, and I--” she cut off.  
“What?” I softly encouraged her to go on.  
“Nevermind,” she quickly said.  
I could tell she wanted to say something, and I had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to push her. We were both delicate, vulnerable, and it felt like anything as gentle as a strong breeze would blow us away.  
She looked at me, eyes glistening. I studied them, and let myself get lost, only because I felt like I could now. Strands of her long eyelashes clung together from her tears. When she blinked, I could see her contact lenses shift, then move back into place. Each time a car passed, its headlights illuminated the darkness in her eyes, making the dark brown look hazel. My eyes moved down towards her lips, and I stared at them for a little before I started to lean in.  
But I stopped myself. I didn’t want to rush things. I didn’t want to risk fucking up everything by doing something intimate.  
“Hey, Ry?” Adreanne questioned, pulling me out of my trance.  
I froze, worried that she had noticed, or I had done something wrong. “Yeah?”  
“I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a while and I never knew how to do it so I’m just gonna straight up ask,” she said, voice filled with anxiety.  
“Go ahead,” I encouraged her, nervous for what the question would be.  
She smiled and took a deep breath. “Ryan, will you be my girlfriend?”  
It was in that moment I was the happiest person in the world. Nothing would’ve made me happier. My lips parted into the biggest smile I think I’d ever smiled, and the feeling obviously rubbed off on Adreanne, because she started smiling so big, her dimples appeared on the sides of her cheeks. They rarely ever showed themselves, only appearing when she was really happy. She was so unbelievably cute, it made me want to jump around and scream and cry all at the same time. Instead, I took both of her hands and held them together. The late summer air was warm, but her presence made me feel even warmer.  
“Yes,” I whispered, “I will.”

Driving back to Adreanne’s house, I couldn’t stop looking at her. Even in the low light, I could make out her strong jawline and high cheekbones. Her eyes focused on the road, hands gripping the steering wheel at two and eight o’clock. She was the type of person who used her turn signals religiously, but liked to speed down a street in a suburban neighborhood at sixty miles an hour.  
Nobody was on the road at this hour, even though it wasn’t that late at night. We drove through town, passing streetlamps and small houses with tiled roofs. The sound of the tires rolling underneath us was enough to lull me to sleep. I tried to keep myself awake, but I could feel my eyes drooping. I leaned my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes, giving in to my tiredness.  
Adreanne’s phone was connected to her car, songs on shuffle. “War Crimes” by the band Waterparks started playing. I opened my eyes, suddenly pumped up, and I felt the bass pumping through the speakers and course through my body. I smiled to myself and mouthed the lyrics.  
When the song hit “Now I’m turning off my headlights, think I’d rather stay blind,” Adreanne gradually slowed down and literally turned the headlights off, making me scream. Although we could still see the road in front of us from the streetlamps, it was still terrifying.  
“What the fuck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!” I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, so I reached for the steering wheel.  
Adreanne laughed, almost maniacally, swatted away my arm and yelled, “Don’t touch it! The road is straight and if you move it, we’ll crash.” She turned the headlights back on, and I sat back in my seat, heart beating out of my chest, breathing like I just ran five miles.  
“Awake now?” Adreanne asked in faux annoyance.  
“Don’t ever do that again,” I warned, a smile somehow still on my face. I couldn’t stay mad at her. Plus, the adrenaline rush felt good, and I wanted more.  
During all the excitement, I somehow still managed to hear the part of the song that said, “I’m forgetting how to hate myself, I saved my own life.” I found myself wishing that I could be strong enough to save myself. For now, I guess people would have to help me stay alive, and I reminded myself that there was nothing wrong with that. One day, I knew I’d be okay.  
We pulled into Adreanne’s driveway for the second time that day, and walked up the steps to her front door. She pulled out her keys, locked her car, and inserted the blue key with the lightning strike into the keyhole. She pushed the door open and stepped in. I followed suit.  
“Mom!” she yelled, head tilted towards the stairwell on our left. Adreanne walked over to the coffee table in the middle of the room, set down her keys, and took a seat on the black leather couch.  
A small, brunette woman with glasses wearing a pink T-shirt and blue jeans poked her head out from the doorway at the top of the stairs. “Hi Addie!” she said cheerfully.  
“Hi, Ryan’s here too,” she said, looking at me and patting the seat next to her, indicating she wanted me to come sit. I walked over and sat down next to her.  
“Do you girls want anything to eat? Or did you eat at the game?” Adreanne’s mom asked.  
“I ate at the game,” I lied.  
Adreanne looked at me, concern in her eyes, but said, “I’m not hungry, thanks Mom.”  
‘Let me know if you guys need anything,” she smiled and retreated back to her room.  
I looked towards Adreanne, and caught her staring at me. I blushed. “What?” I asked quietly.  
“Nothing, just admiring you,” she replied dreamily, making me blush harder.  
It was silent for a while, and I spaced out for a moment, lost in thought. My heart dropped when I realized that we would have to tell Ves about us. I didn’t know how she would react, whether she’d be angry that her best friend was dating another one of her friends, or if she’d be happy for us, maybe even having noticed the connection between us before we did.  
“What’s wrong, Ry?” Adreanne asked, tone suddenly changing from loving to worried.  
“I just realized we have to tell Ves. I don’t know if she’s gonna like this,” I said slowly.  
Adreanne nodded, knowing what I was referring to, and let herself zone out for a little bit as well. “I mean, we don’t have to tell her… right?”  
“Yeah, but we should. She’s our friend too, she deserves to know,” I reasoned.  
“I guess you’re right,” She said, looking back up into my eyes. “Okay, we’ll tell her.” I held my gaze on her, and we stayed that way for God knows how long. The urge to kiss her was still there, but I forced myself to wait.  
The time would come.


	3. Chapter 3

And the time did come.  
It was a couple days later, Adreanne and I were alone in her room once again, “Lucky People” by the same band, Waterparks, softly playing from my phone. We were both sitting on opposite sides of her bed. It was a warm day, the sun sending out hot beams through the window, making the room stuffy.  
“Aren’t you hot?” Adreanne asked, referring to my hoodie that I was still wearing. She stood up and took off her army green bomber jacket, exposing her toned shoulders and arms, and set it beside her on the bed,  
“Nah,” I lied. It was better than saying I didn’t want to take it off. She’d ask why if I did.  
“Psychopath,” she teased. She fanned her face and neck with her hands, then remembered she had an actual fan in her closet. She took it out, plugged it in and turned it on, breathing out a sigh of relief as the cool air hit her skin.  
Her back was towards me, and I looked at her lovingly, the way I was too shy to do when she was facing me. “What do you want to do today?” I asked.  
She turned her head towards me, the rest of her body facing the fan. “It’s so hot, can we just stay here and do nothing?”  
“That’s exactly what I wanted to do,” I said, smiling.  
Adreanne got up and returned to her spot on the bed. She sat facing me, and I turned my body to face hers. I opened my mouth to speak, but I didn’t know what to say. I stared off to the side, and noticed her staring at me. I knew she was going to ask what was wrong, so I said, “Nothing’s wrong, just tired, also, don’t know what to say.”  
“Okay,” she said, sounding relieved, “and yeah, I don’t know what to say ether.” She laughed.  
We were silent for several moments. “I’m really happy I have you,” I said suddenly, “I know it’s been like, two days since we got together but…”  
She smiled. “I’m happy I have you too. I really am. Even as a friend, you’ve always been there, and now as my girlfriend that just means you’re even more special to me.”  
I hesitated. It had been two days, but we hadn’t really seen each other. Adreanne was at her dad’s house, and I was stuck at home. Still, we called each other and talked whenever we could. It was kind of awkward not being able to say those-three-words when we ended the call, but she didn’t say anything about it. I decided I’d take the chance.  
“Adreanne… I love you,” I blurted.  
“Took you long enough,” she joked. “I love you too, Ry. Always have, always will.”  
Smiling, I took her hand and kissed the back of it. I lowered our hands, rubbing my thumb over her fingers.  
She paused and I thought I had done something wrong. “If you’re going to kiss me, do it properly,” she said quietly, seductively. She leaned in and gently put her palm against the side of my face. I closed my eyes, and our lips met. Hers were soft and warm. I could nearly feel sparks igniting in me, my heart going five hundred miles a minute. I remembered Adreanne turning off the headlights in the car on Friday night, and I realized kissing Adreanne gave me that same feeling. I hadn’t known before, but I’d been craving it for so long. Adrenaline spread through every inch of my body and made me feel alive. She made me feel alive.  
It was over sooner than I expected, and I couldn’t help but want more. Once we pulled apart, I leaned in again and my hand grabbed the back of her neck, gently guiding her towards me. I kissed her, and she kissed back, our hands touching, feeling, exploring the other person’s body. The warmth she gave me felt new, like I had never felt warmth before. We were breathing hard, hearts beating fast. She was intense, her powerfulness resembling the lightning strike on her key. I found myself wanting to match her intensity instead of shy away and hide like I always did with fierceness. With her, I was different. With her, I was unafraid.  
We lost ourselves in the afternoon sun, bodies full of nothing but want for the other person.

Adreanne and I became inseparable. Our love for one another seemed like it could never break, no matter how hard the world tried.

One month in, we finally told Vesper.  
She didn’t take it well, saying, “Are you fucking serious? How could you guys not tell me? Ryan I’m your best friend, I deserve to know what’s happening in your life. I tell you everything in mine.”  
Shocked, I searched for words and ended up lamely replying with, “Yes, we should’ve told you earlier, but we didn’t know how you’d react.”  
Adreanne was furious. “What the fuck do you mean? She doesn’t owe you anything. It’s her life, she gets to decide how she lives it, and that includes what she tells you or doesn’t tell you.”  
A surge of anger flushed through me. “Just because you tell me everything in your life doesn’t mean I want to hear it. You talk so much about yourself, when was the last time you asked how I was doing?” I would never have said anything like that, but I was sick and tired of Vesper’s toxicity. I pushed back tears from my eyes, blinking rapidly.  
She stood, mildly stunned, and narrowed her eyes at me. “Fuck. You.”  
“Leave Ry alone, she’s just telling you the truth,” Adreanne stood up for me.  
“Ha, Ry. That’s a name I fucking made up!” Ves sneered.  
“Do you even hear yourself right now? Who cares? It’s a name,” Adreanne attempted to say calmly, voice shaking with anger.  
Ves rolled her eyes. “You know what? Fuck you, and fuck you too, Ryan.” She stormed off, flicking her hair over her shoulder as she walked.  
As soon as she was out of earshot, hot tears built up in my eyes. Adreanne hugged me while I sobbed into her chest, unable to breathe. “Who are you, who are you, who are you?” I kept repeating, “I don’t know who she is anymore.”  
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Was I being too harsh on her?” Adreanne held me.  
“If I could, I would’ve gone harder,” I said through tears, “it’s fine.”  
“Shh, it’s okay to be upset,” Adreanne comforted.  
I realized then that crying about this was useless. Crying wasn’t going to change the fact that Ves had left for good. I was mad. I sniffled and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie. My mood changed in a snap. Although it was difficult, I stopped crying and said angrily, “It’s fine.”  
Adreanne frowned as I pulled away from her, “No, it’s n--”  
“I said it’s fine.”

Three months in, Adreanne got us promise rings.  
The first school semester was close to ending. Things were getting harder and less manageable--for both of us--but we coped. We dealt with it the best we could, trying to take care of each other but take care of ourselves at the same time.  
Adreanne was at my house. I hated having people over, but only because my room was insanely messy. I had to move aside piles of clothes to create a path to my bed. My walls were painted light blue, and on the wall opposite from my bed was a sliding glass door that led out to the balcony. Adreanne and I had spent many nights during the summer on that balcony, sitting on the railing, not talking, just being with each other. I missed those nights where the air was warm and the sky was dark, but not dark enough to conceal all the stars hidden behind sparse clouds. I hoped we would have those moments again.  
Adreanne set down her bag next to my bed. As soon as we sat down, I eyed the ring on her left ring finger, a bit jealous that I wasn’t the one who gave her the ring, but she caught me staring and smiled.  
“You like it?” she asked.  
I looked at it more closely, now that she was offering her hand for me to see. It was a gold ring with three wires in a braided pattern, one of the wires of the braid was thicker, sparkling jewels inside the band. The gold contrasted nicely against her dark skin. “It’s really pretty.”  
“I’m glad you like it,” she said while reaching for her bag, “because I have another one right here for you.”  
I suddenly looked up, eyes wide. “What?” I asked, surprised. I didn’t know how much she spent on the rings, but I knew a ring that high quality couldn’t have been cheap.  
She pulled out a small, black box and handed it to me to open. I lifted the top and quietly gasped at how pretty the ring inside was. She had gotten me the same ring, but in silver, knowing that it would look better with my pale skin. I stared at the ring, going through prices in my head, wondering how much she spent. I looked back up at Adreanne, excitement in her eyes, a huge smile on her face. I gently took the ring out of the box and slipped it on my left ring finger, the same place hers was.  
“I wanted to wait until Christmas, but I couldn’t,” she said, looking at me with those eyes, the ones that made me believe I was capable of being loved. I threw my arms around her, kissed her, and then hugged her tightly.  
“Thank you,” I said quietly, “I love it so much. I love you so much.”

New Year’s Eve was where things started to go downhill.  
Adreanne was staying the night at my house. We mainly stayed in my room, playing music and talking, but in the evening we sipped on champagne and white wine that my parents let us have. We watched the countdown to the new year and retreated back to my room. I drank a little too much, and was stumbling around, tripping and nearly falling over the mess on my floor. Adreanne hooked her arm around mine and guided me to my bed, where we both lied down, side by side.  
“I love you so much,” I slurred, dragging out my words, “like, soooo much.”  
Adreanne laughed. “I love you too Ry. You’re really drunk.”  
I smiled and said, “Ehh… ‘m not thaaat drunk.” I sat up for a moment and looked at her square in the face. “If I can still see your beautiful face, even with my spinning vision, I’m not that drunk,” I said, not sure how well she was able to understand me, and flopped back down.  
She laughed that gorgeous laugh again. “Oh, shut up, you’re the one who’s beautiful here, not me,” she said, also slightly slurring her words.  
Adreanne stopped laughing, and I could tell something was wrong. Her mood shifted entirely, and I knew she was thinking about something. “What’s wrong?” I asked, concerned.  
She rubbed her eyes and turned her head to look at me. She sighed. “I try not to talk about it ‘cause it usually doesn’t bother me, but you know, sometimes I just really fucking miss my dad.” Tears filled her eyes. She let out a small whimper and sniffled, using her sweatshirt sleeve as a tissue to wipe her eyes. “We used to go to New York for New Year’s Eve. It was hectic, but he promised to keep me safe,” she reflected on the memory. She cried harder. “He’s a piece of shit,” she said angrily, “but I still miss him and I hate myself for missing him and his abusive ass, but I do. I miss when he didn’t yell at me and when my stupid brother was still here and hadn’t moved out yet because of him.”  
I couldn’t speak, partly from the alcohol, but mainly because I didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry,” I finally managed.  
“It’s okay,” she tried to say happily, collecting herself, in an attempt to convince herself that she was, in fact, okay.  
We were silent again, and this time, for some reason I couldn’t stop the static noise from reaching my ears. “I don’t deserve you,” I suddenly said.  
“What do you mean?” she asked, confused.  
“I’m just me, I’m not anything special. I don’t know why you love me, honestly. I never do anything right, and when I do it’s always after a billion tries. I talk too much or too little. I don’t know how you deal with me. I’m so annoying,” I explained slowly, “I always change the conversation back to myself… Why do you still love me?” I was tired, I had no idea what I was saying, and I wanted to sleep. Adreanne started to talk.  
“I love you because you make me so happy. You brighten my days and make them so much better and so much more manageable. I don’t deserve you. I love you so much, Ryan, you have no idea how much I love you. If it--” she paused, trying to decide whether or not she should continue speaking, “if it weren’t for you, I’d be dead, Ry. You’re the one who’s kept me alive.”  
I should have felt some sort of emotion, at least some ounce of joy that I was the last hope Adreanne was holding onto--I couldn’t live without her--but I felt nothing. I felt empty, more now than before. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered, “it’s going to hurt so much when I leave.”  
Adreanne sat up, startled at what I had just said. She searched for words, then asked, “What do you mean? No no no, you’re not leaving, what do you mean ‘when I leave’?” Worry was painted on her face, and I felt awful talking about this, but I felt like I had to. So she would be prepared.  
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away. “One day, I’m going to leave. I’m going to leave, and I know you’ll be sad, I know my parents will be sad, but you all will get over it. You’ll be fine without me. You know I love you. You’ll be… fine…” My mind was getting distracted every few seconds and I was starting to fall asleep. My eyes fluttered open and closed as I was trying to fight succumbing to sleep.  
Adreanne lied back down and moved closer to me. She hugged me, burying her face into my shoulder. I didn’t realize she was crying until I felt her body jerk with every sob that shook her body. She was a quiet crier, the ones where you can’t tell that they’re crying until they sniffle or reach up to wipe their tears away. “Don’t go,” she cried, voice breaking, “please, please, don’t go.”  
It broke my heart to see her like this, and it hurt even more to know that I had caused it. “I’m not going anywhere… for now,” I said, trying to comfort her. I would have left the second part out, but then it would be a lie. If it were any other person, it might’ve been okay, but this was Adreanne, and I couldn’t lie to Adreanne. I turned sideways and hugged her back.  
She cried until we fell asleep, and in my dream that night, I packed my things into large leather suitcases and turned to go. A voice called out, “You said you wouldn’t leave.” I knew that voice anywhere. I turned back around to see Adreanne, slouched over, her hair disheveled and one hand holding a gun to her head. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying.  
“I’m sorry, I have to,” I said, emotionless.  
“You said you’d never leave,” said a voice that wasn’t Adreanne’s. I watched as Adreanne’s body melted and shrunk down. It reformed to portray a smaller Adreanne on her knees, arms by her side, gun still to her head, this time held by Vesper. “You said you’d never leave!” she screamed, her booming voice coming from all directions.  
“You were the one that walked away,” I said calmly. Not wanting to hear another word, I turned around and a giant black abyss formed at my feet. I jumped in without a moment of hesitation. I heard a loud gunshot from the opening of the void, but I was already falling. I kept falling, nothing surrounding me but darkness. I couldn’t see my hands, legs, or any part of myself anymore. I was no longer a body, just thought and imagination, depression and anxiety. I fell faster and faster, dreading when I would hit the bottom.  
I don’t know how long I was falling until I woke up. Adreanne was already awake, lying flat on her back, staring up into the ceiling, chest moving ever so slightly. It barely looked like she was breathing. I didn’t have a headache, but I felt weighed down. My limbs were heavy and it was a struggle to speak. “Good morning,” I said to Adreanne, turning my head to look at her, smiling.  
She turned her head and smiled back wearily. “Morning.”  
“Do you feel like death as well?” I asked.  
She smiled a more genuine smile and said, “Yeah, a little.”  
I remembered most of what happened last night, and I felt bad for dumping so much on Adreanne all at once. “Do you… want to talk about what happened last night?” I asked sheepishly.  
I thought she would start crying again, and she looked like she was about to, but she didn’t. She layed on her side to face me. “Yeah, sure. What about last night?”  
“I’m just really sorry for dropping that all on you so suddenly without warning,” I said softly, fidgeting with the ring she had given me.  
She stopped playing with the crease in my bed sheets and looked up at me to say, “It’s okay, it happens. I know things can be really hard sometimes, don’t worry about it.”  
“I just… I’m sorry. For scaring you. I know you know, or I hope you know that I’m not leaving anytime soon,” I reassured her, “and even if I did try--”  
She took my hand and laced her fingers with mine, then kissed the back of my hand. “I’m not going to let that happen.”

Adreanne finally asked me why I wore a hoodie all the time, and my response was not all that surprising to her.  
“Hey, can I ask you something?” she asked me on a sunny spring afternoon, “you might get mad.”  
“Of course,” I replied. We were sitting on the grass at an overlook where we could see all of town.  
She took a deep breath in, and then asked cautiously, “Why do you always wear a hoodie? Or like, long sleeves? I didn’t want to say anything, but even during the summer, I’ve never… seen your arms. Even with the amount of times we’ve stayed at each other’s houses overnight, it’s like you wear that thing religiously. I mean, I know you already told me about your self harm and everything…”  
I managed a smile. I could tell she was holding back most of what she wanted to ask. “Why would that make me mad?”  
“I don’t know… maybe because I know the answer. I’m just afraid to hear it from you,” she said gently, “I’ve been meaning to ask this for months, I just didn’t know how and I didn’t want to upset you.”  
“I doubt you could ever upset me,” I said, then added, “asking about my self harm isn’t going to make me mad. I don’t talk about it because I know it’ll make you sad. I don’t take my jackets off around people if I’m not wearing long sleeves because I don’t want the questions or the stares or the fake sympathy.” I zipped down my gray hoodie, slid it off, and set it beside me on the grass. There was a slight breeze that made me shiver.  
I held out my arms, and Adreanne studied them. My wrists were covered in whitish scars all the way up to the crook of my elbow, some raised, some almost as if they dipped into my skin. She gently rubbed her fingers over the scars, slowly breathing in and out. She looked up at me with sad eyes. “Ryan I…”  
“It’s been two years since I last cut,” I explained, “so that’s good.” I grinned in an attempt to diffuse the small amount of tension I felt.  
“But… why do you feel the need to hide this from me?” she asked, a little dejected.  
I looked at her in the eyes, and I could see them glistening. I felt awful that I had caused Adreanne to cry, again. “It’s just a habit,” I started putting my jacket back on, “also, I’m cold all the time. You know that.”  
“Yeah, I guess, but… just… don’t feel like you need to hide anything from me. You know I’ll love you no matter what, right?” she asked.  
I grinned. “Of course I do. I love you so much. You’re the best.”

As the weeks passed, my mental health got worse and worse, and so did Adreanne’s.  
We started spending less and less time together, each trying to focus on our studies and contain the whirlwind of our lives. We withdrew from one another, thinking it was better not to involve the other person in our problems.  
My parents had been pounding me about my grades, which were slowly dropping no matter how hard I tried to keep them up, and I kept seeing Ves’ Instagram posts, all of them photos of her with a different assortment of friends. They were a constant reminder that I was replaceable. I wasn’t special, I wasn’t worthy of keeping around.  
One afternoon in particular had the biggest impact on me. “Ry, I haven’t seen you outside of school in two weeks. Can you please come over?” Adreanne’s muffled voice filled the silence in my room from the speaker in my phone.  
“I know, and I’m sorry, but I still can’t drive. So unless you come and pick me up or come over--which I don’t want to force you to do--I don’t think I can.”  
She sighed. “I’m getting my keys right now. You know I don’t mind driving.”  
I listened to the sound of Adreanne shuffling around, getting into her car, and then murmured, “I love you,”  
“I love you too, Ry. I’ll text you when I’m there,” she replied, then hung up. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew I had somehow slightly annoyed her.  
I recognized the sound of her car better than the sound of my parents’. When she arrived at my house, I let her in through the front door. We walked upstairs to my room in silence, the sound of our feet pounding against the wood stairs filling the empty hallway. Once I closed the door, Adreanne broke down in sobs.  
“I just really need you right now,” she cried, “I don’t know what to do anymore.”  
I went up to her and hugged her tightly, saying, “I’m right here, i’m right here, it’s okay.”  
“You didn’t even want to come over,” she said with bitterness in her voice.  
I felt like I got stabbed. “That’s not true, I wanted to, but I had no way of getting there.”  
She cried more, harder, each breath she took left me feeling like I was breaking her heart. I moved her to my bed, and we sat down.  
“Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” I asked gently.  
She swallowed, trying to contain herself. “That’s the thing, there’s nothing wrong, but every morning when I wake up I wish I hadn’t. I want to drive somewhere far away from here and never come back.”  
I tried to get myself to say something, anything, that might help, but every answer I could come up with made me think of something she’d say that I wouldn’t be able to respond to. I continued to hug her close until she pulled away, calming down, drying her eyes. I stared at her legs, at the rips in her jeans, the way the fabric buckled at the bend of her knee. I stared at the bed sheets, creasing where the weight of Adreanne’s body rested. I couldn’t get myself to say anything.  
Adreanne couldn’t seem to get herself to say anything either. She looked at me, looked back down, looked at me, and looked back down again. She layed herself on my bed, and I followed. We faced each other and said nothing, each of us lost in our heads.  
We stayed there for hours, eventually returning to our natural selves, picking up our phones and showing each other social media posts that made us laugh. I hoped and prayed to anyone out there willing to listen that we would be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

TW: This part of the story contains major suicide attempt/hospitalization themes. Please be safe :)  
Also sorry this took so long to finish I've been hella busy whoops

~~~

We were at the beginning of May, coming back from spring break. The school year was coming to a close, and I was the most stressed out I’ve been since sophomore year.  
It was Tuesday night. I was in my room, at my desk, trying to finish my homework that I had missed from skipping class yesterday. I couldn’t focus. Maybe it was because I hadn’t eaten earlier, maybe it was just stress. I had ended a phone call with Adreanne just so I could finish reading this English passage that I had to annotate. I had read the same paragraph five times already, and I couldn’t read another. I threw my pencil down and pressed my palms to my eyes, trying desperately not to cry.  
I wanted to call Adreanne back and hear her voice, knowing that her presence, even over the phone, would help, but before we hung up it sounded like she was annoyed with the fact that I had to go. I didn’t want to send her over the edge.  
I took a deep breath and uncovered my eyes, letting them refocus before telling myself, “It’s okay, just read this paragraph and then you can go to sleep.”  
After two more attempts, I finally finished what I needed to do. I got ready for bed, changing into cotton shorts and leaving my hoodie on. As I got under the covers, I could already tell I wasn’t sleeping much that night. My brain wouldn’t shut off. I kept thinking in circles, coming back to the same thought that triggered another thought, and another thought, and another thought. Eventually I fell asleep, but for very small increments of time. I got a total of about four hours of sleep that night.  
Skip to Wednesday night, and I was at the same problem. This time, I gently set my pencil down, sat up from my chair, and went to bed. I couldn’t deal with thinking about school anymore. No tears, no crying, no complaining. I felt drained of all emotions. There was a gaping black hole in my chest, and I didn’t know how to get rid of it.  
My eyes were closed, and I was about to fall asleep when my phone buzzed loudly. I sat up and checked to see who had texted me. To my surprise, it was Ves.  
“Can we please talk?” the text read.  
I checked the time, and the clock read 1:34 AM. I typed out my message. “Tomorrow behind the gym.” I sent it, then set my phone down and was able to fall asleep before 2.  
Thursday morning, I woke up and was already dreading talking with Ves. When I got to school, I walked to the back of the gym. I rounded the corner, and she was already there. Another surprise, she was never early. “Hi,” I said cautiously, stopping a few feet away from her.  
“Hi,” she said back.  
I didn’t know what to say. She was the one who wanted to talk, I figured I’d give her that opportunity.  
“Look, I’m just going to be straight up. Why are you treating me like shit?” she demanded, arms crossed.  
I was stunned speechless. I tried to grasp for a quick response to her question. I couldn’t think of any time where I was “treating her like shit.”  
Her eyes started watering, and tears rolled down her face. “You know, I try so hard, so fucking hard to be there for you and everyone else, and no one is ever there for me.”  
“I’m there for you, you know tha--”  
“Are you? Are you really though? Because last time I checked, best friends don’t start dating your only other friend and then completely ignore you,” she cried.  
I had nothing to say. Suddenly, I felt guilty for dating Adreanne. I didn’t think about how it would affect Ves. My eyes started uncontrollably welling up with tears, and I rapidly blinked in an attempt to prevent them from streaming down my face. “B-but you have so many other friends. All of them would be there for you if you told them how you were feeling,” I said timidly. Anger flowed from my toes to my cheeks, although I tried not to let it show. If Ves thinks she has no one, then what do I have?  
“They’re not my friends!” she yelled, taking steps closer to me, “you’re my best friend, you’re supposed to be there for me! Isn’t that what friends are for?”  
I instinctively backed away, again, searching for words that would diffuse the situation. I thought of nothing.  
“Jesus Christ, you’re worthless,” she walked past me, stomping off.  
I couldn’t take anymore. As soon as she was out of sight, I crumbled to the ground, back against the gym wall and cried, breaths jagged. I cried through first period, and stayed sitting behind the gym, doing nothing during second. I ignored Adreanne’s texts, Ves’ words still echoing in my head. You’re worthless. Maybe she was right. Maybe she was more important than me, and I had to put her first. I somehow dragged myself to third period and through the rest of school, avoiding Ves and Adreanne.  
When I got home, I unlocked the front door and threw my backpack down beside my desk in my room, took off my shoes, and collapsed onto my bed. I turned to face the ceiling, and stared at it until I fell asleep. When I woke up, everything was dark. It took me several moments, but I finally gathered enough strength to push myself out of bed and walk over to a lightswitch.  
I nearly fell into my chair by my desk and tried to work on homework. I stared at my papers for God knows how long. I gave up after not much attempt to do my work, and instead tried to listen to music, climbing back into bed. The songs made me cry--just barely--but after the third cycle or so through my playlist, the songs weren’t sad enough for me anymore. I yanked out my earbuds frustratedly and lied on my bed, unmoving. I felt too numb, too hollow, too empty to feel anything.  
The silence made my mind go into overdrive, thoughts racing, almost making me dizzy. Static filled my ears. I started to hear things I knew weren’t there--snippets of off-tune music that I’d never heard before, echoes of voices repeatedly saying incoherent things. I tried to ignore the ringing in my ears. The static was almost pulsing, endlessly getting louder, making me want to panic. I started breathing hard, feeling unable to get enough air into my lungs. I sat up and covered my ears with my hands, knees tucked to my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut, tears spilling over. My hands and feet felt tingly due to hyperventilation. I felt like I was on a merry-go-round, the pressure in my head moving in circles. When I opened up my eyes, my vision was blurry and wobbly. As soon as they focused, the edges of my vision turned dark, and all I could stare at was the sheets on my bed. I grabbed handfuls of my hair and pulled on it. I was rocking back and forth to keep my body moving. My chest physically hurt, and it wasn’t from my breathing. It was from sadness. I hadn’t felt this pain in years, and when it came back it felt ten times worse than it did before.  
I couldn’t take it anymore. The silence was too much. Ves had given up on me, and I was sure Adreanne wouldn’t want me running to her with problems about the silence. I needed a release. Slowly, my breathing returned to normal and I stopped rocking. My hands released the death grip on my hair, and I stared at the wall ahead of me, feeling nothing. I needed a release.  
I remember getting off my bed and reaching for my blade. I held it to my wrist, shaking, but decided against it. Not enough, not enough, not enough.  
I remember walking to the kitchen and opening the medicine cupboard. I don’t know how many pills I took, but I swallowed all of them dry, too frantic to take the time to get a glass of water.  
I remember laying on my bed, feeling sick to my stomach.  
I remember throwing up and slipping in and out of consciousness.  
They told me I looked as pale as a ghost.  
They told me my skin was sticky with sweat.  
They told me there was one ambulance with three EMTs, one fire truck with two paramedics, and two police cars outside with three policemen in the driveway.  
I remember rolling on a gurney down hallways with bright lights overhead.  
I remember a tube going down my throat into my stomach.  
They kept me in the hospital room, and told me the things I couldn’t remember when I woke up. I was wearing an ugly light blue hospital gown, IV in my arm. My parents were sitting together on a bench by a window. My mother was awake, but my dad slept, his head resting against the wall behind him.  
“You’re lucky Adreanne found you,” my mom said. She was still in her work clothes, although crumpled and messy compared to the smooth, clean look she wore in the morning before work. I assumed she had stayed here as long as I had, although I had no idea what time it was, nevertheless the date. It was dark outside, and I came to the conclusion that it was Friday night. I looked carefully and saw that my mom’s eyes were dry. She was never a crier, but it hurt to know that not even her child trying to off themself would bring her to tears.  
I rubbed my eyes and looked at her with guilt in my eyes. I hadn’t planned to survive, and now that I had I didn’t know what to do or what to say. “Is she here?” I asked wearily.  
My mom shook her head sadly. “She had to leave last night. Nobody that’s not family allowed.”  
I nodded, and laid my head back on the bed.  
A nurse walked in and I was forced to sit up again. She checked my vitals, and decided they were good enough to take me off the IV drip. She told me and my parents that because my overdose was intentional, I would be put on a 72 hour hold at a psychiatric center. My parents protested, then reluctantly agreed, and the nurse led me down a hallway and opened the giant metal doors, entering the room after me. Computer monitors sat on top of a long rectangular desk, showing live feed of the security cameras that were placed inside each of the three rooms that lined the wall parallel to the desk.  
The nurse asked me to change into these papery magenta scrubs, and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the bathroom I looked like a skeleton wearing size sixteen clothing. They stripped me of everything else that I might be able to use to hurt myself, including my earrings and the ring Adreanne gave me. They put it in a biohazard bag, and kept it in a bin on a short filing cabinet. They opened the door to one of the rooms along the wall. I stepped in, and took everything in for a moment before sitting on the foam mattress upon a wood headboardless bed frame. There were no windows that looked outside, and the walls were painted a sad, sad shade of beige.  
Once I was in the room, a few people came to see me. First, a nurse came in and told me I had to take a urine sample, so they could test if there were drugs in my system. Another nurse came into the room and asked me questions regarding my safety and my history with depression and suicidal thoughts. A nurse from the laboratory came to draw my blood. When they were done, my old psychiatrist came into the room. He was a slightly overweight, tall man with a bushy beard and small rectangular glasses. He pressed his lips together and then sighed, taking a seat in the chair against the side of the wall with the door.  
“What happened?” he asked gingerly.  
“I don’t know,” I squeaked, looking at his shiny black shoes.  
He waited a moment. “Relapses happen, and I want you to know that’s okay. I will probably be your doctor when you get admitted, and we’ll most likely have to start you back on meds if your parents agree.”  
I nodded, disappointed. I had been on medication before, and it helped for a little bit, but then I kept forgetting to take it. I felt fine at the time, but obviously, being unmedicated was a bad idea as of right now.  
We discussed what led me to being in that room for a little bit until my mom appeared in the doorway.  
She came into the room as my psychiatrist was leaving, and sat in the same chair. I laid my head down on the pillow provided and I had a perfect view of the clock through the skinny rectangle window next to the door. It was 11:26 at night.  
My mom quietly cleared her throat, indicating she was about to speak. “I just… I just want you to know that I’m always here for you and… I’m sorry I’m never home. Work has been crazy and I… I’m just sorry,” she said, choking up.  
I stayed silent. I didn’t want her to be sorry. I didn’t want anyone to feel like they were required to be there for me. I may have felt disappointment when she wasn’t crying before, but I didn’t want to be the reason she was starting to cry. I didn’t want any of this. “Mom, I--”  
“Don’t. We’re here now and the only thing we can do is move forward. You’re going to get the help you need, okay?” she asked, trying to keep her voice fierce and steady.  
I nodded as a nurse came in. “A bed will be available at the hospital closest to you tomorrow morning, but Ryan will have to stay here overnight. Transportation will arrive at 8 AM. Here’s a sheet that tells you when visiting hours are.” He handed a slip of paper to my mom.  
“I can’t stay here overnight, Ryan,” my mom said dejectedly, turning to me, “will you be okay?”  
I nodded again. Even though I just woke up, I was exhausted. I briefly got up to hug my mom goodbye and she walked out, along with the nurse. He came back with a thin blanket, gave it to me, and walked back out, turning off the light on the way. I went back to lying on the bed, but this time I had a blanket to keep me warm… ish. I tossed and turned the entire night, only getting a few moments of actual sleep. By the time it was 6 AM, I had given up on trying to sleep. I lied facing the clock again, and watched as the minutes ticked slowly to 8.  
By the time the EMTs arrived with the ambulance and brought out the stretcher, I was already tired again. I got up anyway and stepped outside the room, the door already open. One of the EMTs were chatting with the nurse behind the desk. He had hardly any hair underneath the baseball cap he was wearing. The other one was watching me and motioned for me to sit on the stretcher. She had straight, medium length blonde hair. Once I was settled, she buckled the restraint straps and tightened them, but left a lot of room for me to move around. The only ones she tightened more securely were the chest restraints. The leg restraints were left in a pile of polyester in between my ankles.  
Once the bald guy bid his farewells to the nurse, I was rolled out to the ambulance, where they lifted me and pushed me into it. The female EMT stayed with me, sitting on a bench to the side of the stretcher. I looked around, and saw all the medical supplies they had in tiny cubby holes, and suddenly I felt embarrassed. My body was perfectly fine, there was no need to bandage anything up or stop any bleeding or keep me from dying from physical wounds, so why was I here? I was fine.  
We rode in silence, the only sound keeping me from going insane was the squeaking of the vehicle as we drove over bumps and potholes. We arrived at the hospital where the psychiatric treatment center was. The EMTs rolled me out and into the building, then pressed the button for the elevator. Once we got to the third floor, they rolled me down a carpeted hallway with wooden doors. At the end was a long rounded counter, four computer monitors along the lower desk. The  
EMTs rolled me close to the wall with the doors, then lowered the stretcher so I could get off.  
“Good luck,” the blonde EMT whispered to me as they were getting ready to leave. I managed a smile at her.  
“Thank you!” one of the nurses called after the EMTs as they walked back down the hallway.  
As soon as I walked over to the desk, I was in the line of sight for every other patient there in the common room. I looked down as the nurse told me to follow him to a small room with a computer.  
The admission process took about forty-five minutes. The questions were all about what happened and how I came to be here and what happened since the last time I was hospitalized two years ago and questions about my family and school and friends. The nurse informed me that I was a high-risk patient, meaning I’d have a sitter. A nurse had to watch me 24/7 to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid. When I exited the room and walked to the common room, all eyes turned my way. There were about ten other kids in the room. I almost stopped in my tracks. I shuffled--or tried to shuffle with my socks that I was required to wear with rubber grips on the bottom--over to one of the tables and sat in a chair. I sat the furthest I could away from everybody else. I instinctively hugged my body, and I realized how much I missed my hoodie. Here, my arms were exposed, and it was cold. Not to say that everyone else’s arms weren’t exposed, but some of them had their own clothes. I wasn’t allowed my hoodie, even if someone got it for me because it had drawstrings, and I didn’t want to take them out. I’d never be able to get them back in.  
I kicked my feet around, anxiously waiting for something to happen. There was a TV in the middle of the wall that most kids were watching. On it was some movie that I didn’t recognize.  
One of the patients pulled up a chair next to me, and started talking to me. She had bright pink shoulder length hair and pale skin. She was in scrubs as well, indicating to me that she was either fairly new or her parents couldn’t get her clothes for her.  
“Hey,” she said to me, “I just got here two nights ago and nobody talked to me so I wanted to make sure you aren’t lonely like I was.”  
I laughed nervously. “Yeah, thanks.”  
“First time here?” she asked.  
“Second,” I replied, slowly falling into step with the pink haired girl’s conversation pattern.  
“Ah,” she sighed, “I remember my second time.”  
“How many times have you been here?” I asked cautiously.  
She smiled. “Five.”  
I sat with my mouth slightly open. Five times? I couldn’t imagine being in this place five times.  
“First time was like, a three day stay. Second time was a week. Third time was a week and a half,” she explained.  
I nodded my head in understanding, not knowing how to respond.  
She laughed. “They just seem to keep getting longer. Hopefully I don’t stay too long this time.”  
I smiled and looked down at my hands. I caught a glimpse of her wristband. The name read “Connor,” but when she saw me looking, she said, “Just call me Kailey. My parents won’t let me change my name until I’m eighteen.”  
“Oh, okay” I expressed quietly, a little embarrassed that I hadn’t just asked her name directly.  
“Okay, everyone, time for morning check-in,” a nurse walked over to where the couches were, and pulled up a chair. He sat in front of the TV, holding a paper, and proceeded to introduce himself and read off the names of all the patients and their nurses for the AM shift. “Alright, now we’ll go around and say our name, how we’re feeling, and a goal for today.”  
I remembered these check-ins. I hated them. I always said the same thing. “I’m Ryan, I’m okay, and my goal is to make it through the day,” I deadpanned when it was my turn.  
The nurse nodded and moved to the next person. After check-in was done, we had our first actual therapy group. We all walked to a room near the door where I just came in, and sat around two rectangular wood tables that were pushed together. Our group was occupational therapy, which was basically arts and crafts. We went around the room, stating our name once again, how we were feeling, what we wanted to do for OT group and how it would help us, and if we promised to be safe with all materials.  
I had no idea what to do. I wasn’t good at arts and crafts, so I spent the group uselessly coloring a photocopied page from a coloring book which I later threw away. The time between the group and lunch was for socializing. We had nothing to do besides watch TV and talk to each other. The TV was on this 70s music channel and the nurses refused to change it to something else or put on another movie. I got pulled aside to talk to my psychiatrist about meds and my treatment goal. He told me he would talk to my parents to get their approval for starting me back on medication.  
By the time all of us heard squeaky hinges from the metal box rolling on the carpet, we had all gathered around one table, against hospital rules, and a couple other patients were talking about some controversial rap artist I had never heard of. Nearly everyone got up and made a line by the giant metal box that held trays of each patient’s meal. I hesitantly got up, knowing that if I refused to eat, they’d put me on eating disorder watch and lock my bathroom after every meal. Once I got my tray and sat back down, I lifted the cover. I couldn’t tell what the food was. It seemed to be mashed into a ball with different color specks poking out of it. Immediately I wasn’t hungry anymore. I hated hospital food more than I hated anything else. I put the cover back on the plastic plate and sat back in my chair.  
Slowly, the visitors started walking into the room, looking around until they spotted the person they were there to see. They signed their name and the time in a white binder at the desk and then proceeded to walk towards the tables at the other end of the room.  
I let myself get lost in my thoughts, staring at the untouched tray in front of me, until in the corner of my eye was a dark skinned, tall girl with long brown hair. Adreanne turned towards me and smiled, but it looked forced. I smiled back, but I was sure my smile was the same.  
“How’s the hospital treating you?” she asked as she sauntered towards me. She took a seat in the chair across the table from me.  
“It’s alright, much rather be back home though,” I replied.  
She nodded and looked down. The aura around us immediately changed, as if a door opened and let a cold, draining darkness in, depleting us of any excitement or contentment that once filled our bodies. I knew something was wrong.  
“What’s up?” I tried to ask as casually as possible.  
Adreanne looked back up at me for a moment, then looked back down. “You really fucking scared me, Ry.”  
I let a sigh slip out of my mouth. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, “I didn’t know what else I could do.”  
“You could have come to me,” she suggested, a slight bitterness in her voice.  
“I’m sorry,” I repeated quietly.  
“I would have tried to help, you know that. Why didn’t you come to me, Ry?” she was starting to cry.  
I looked down at my fidgeting hands. “I don’t know, I just couldn’t. I don’t know,” I whispered.  
We sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us searching for a way to change the topic. I looked back up at her face and noticed her swollen eyes. She was crying before she came. I felt bad. I shouldn’t be here, in the hospital, getting help. She was the one who needed it.  
“Ryan,” she said cautiously, “I need to tell you something.”  
My heart immediately sped up, her words echoing in my head. “Okay,” I said gently.  
She took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m moving.”  
My heart, which had been going a mile a minute suddenly stopped. “What?” I asked in disbelief. My jaw hung open, and my eyes were wide.  
“I’m moving,” she repeated, almost like she was trying to break the news and convince herself. “Out of state,” she added.  
I didn’t ask where she was going. I didn’t ask why she was going. If this was happening, it was because it’s supposed to happen. I tried my hardest not to cry. I tried to force myself to accept it.  
“My dad’s taking full custody over me and we’re moving next week,” she explained. She had stopped crying, but I could still see a glimmer in her eyes.  
“I’ll miss you. A lot,” my voice wobbled, “how long have you known?”  
“I just found out a couple days ago. I meant to tell you sooner, but then…” she trailed off.  
I looked back down at my hands. “I’m so sorry.”  
“It’s okay. I just wanted to come say goodbye,” her voice broke at the last word, and she tried to collect herself, “in case you don’t get out before I leave.”  
I knew this meant breaking up. “We can still text and call,” I said with a half smile, but we both knew that no matter how hard we tried, we would slowly stop talking to each other as time passed. There was no hope for a long distance relationship. We knew that it wouldn’t work out.  
Adreanne nodded and smiled sadly. She slowly stood up and said, “I’m really sorry, but I have to go home to my mom’s house and pack.”  
“I understand, it’s okay,” I said, though it was far from okay. “Will you try and visit again before you leave?”  
She looked down at me in the gentlest way anyone has ever looked at me. “Of course, Ry.”  
I knew she wouldn’t.  
I stood up and walked around the table to hug her. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and we stayed hugging for as long as we could before I started to think about what the other patients and their parents would think of us. I looked into her eyes and she looked back into mine. My thoughts muffled a little, and I wasn’t as anxious. She leaned in and kissed me, and I tried my hardest to savor the moment, savor the feeling of her lips on mine, hoping that if I kissed her well enough she wouldn’t leave. I wanted to make myself believe I was enough to make her stay.  
We pulled apart and Adreanne left signing out of the white binder, and soon after it felt like the visit never happened. I walked to my room, opened the heavy wooden door, and stepped inside. The rooms were the exact same as I remembered them. Two foam mattresses, each on a wooden bed frame with no headboard, facing each other, pushed against a wall, and a wooden nightstand with two drawers next to them. The bathroom door had a slanted top and no knob. Inside was a sink with a sensored faucet, above the sink was a mirror made out of plastic with scratch marks on it, a toilet was to the right, and a shower to the left with a curtain velcroed to another piece of fabric attached to the ceiling. The shower knob for the water wasn’t a handle, but instead a button you had to push to make the water come out from the showerhead. The stream only lasted for about thirty seconds before you had to push the button again.  
I sat down on the side of my bed, facing the window. Trees obscured my view, but through the gaps of the leaves I could see the stores downtown. I wanted to feel something, some sort of anger, anything, just not this sadness. This sadness was a five hundred pound weight on my shoulders, weighing me down, unwilling to let me move. The rivers of my tears had started to flow, and I knew I shouldn’t stop them this time. I couldn’t, even if I tried. I moved so that I was facing the wall on the other side of the room and my back was against the wall the bed was pushed up to. I leaned my head back so that it touched the wall and closed my eyes, letting tears roll down the sides of my face. I wanted to slam my head back against the wall, but I couldn’t. I wanted to get up and punch the wall, but I couldn’t. I wanted to do anything, but I couldn’t. All I could do was sit there and cry.  
I already missed her. I missed her like hell, and I knew I would miss her until the day I died.  
Love at first sight is real, and I will forever believe that. But timing, fate, is what truly decides our future.  
I wasn’t crying because of Adreanne, I was crying for her. I wished she didn’t have to live with her shit dad, I wished I could take away all her hurt, especially the hurt that I’ve caused. I loved Adreanne way more than I loved myself, more than I had loved anybody before. She was my first for many things, and I knew she would be my last.  
She was gone, and I promised myself I would never love again.


End file.
